Okay, so i had to change this...in the last few months so much has happened and it set my world into a tailspin. i found out i'm pregnant in late january. and when i got scared that i could lose this child i moved out of my b/f's house. i felt lost and confused, eventhough i was surrounded by family and friends. most of them bein christians. i know most people put a short synopsis of what they believe and why they are on this site here...i'm not most people. i have lived the majority of my life in a fractured household...meaning that my parents divorced when i was young...the summer before my nineth b-day actually. only a year after finding out that my dad isn't my father. i ran from God and hated him for what was happening in my life. it wasn't until i was literally a half step away from suicide...that i cried out to God and he answered me. Most pastors and mature christians tell me i imagined this or i'm lying...believe what you want. I yelled into the darkness that i had nothing to live for....my mother didn't want me...my father didn't want me...my dad was hardly around b/c of his work...i had maybe 2 friends...if you could call them that....i was the human punching bag for my two brothers...i screamed into the darkness that i had nothing to live for and asked why i should continue living in this hell on earth...and when i was exhausted from gut wrenching sobs...my entire body shaking...i heard three words...just barely...but i heard them...live for me. so eventhough my life gets off track and i wander down the wrong path and away from God...alot...He always reminds me of those words and i start makin my way back. i know my life is a testimony. an example of what God can do. that no matter what thoughts come into your mind, no matter how many times you wander away, no matter what you do or who you become in your life God is always there. everyone else in your life will leave you, betray you, hurt you, let you down, and i've learned that this will all happen...and God will always be there going through it all with you...gently guiding you...never forcing you...his heart breaks when yours does...he cries when you do...he hurts when you hurt.... he is your creator, your father, your dad. i am a sinner. i am no better than a murderer, a rapist, a thief, or an abuser. i have lied, cheated, stolen, had sex before marriage, commited murder in my mind, lusted after men. and i still call myself a child of God. i have to choose each and everyday to continue to follow God's path for me. honestly most days i don't choose that option. i haven't opened my bible in over a year...heck maybe even two years. i feel ashamed to call myself a christian, someone who follows the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, b/c i see and know what i do and think everyday. some would argue that i am a strong christian. i will always deny that i am strong...b/c i am weak. any strength i have is from God himself. any wisdom i have is from God. i am nothing. i am worthless. i am not loveable. i am not deserving of anything he gives me. i am truly awed that he chose so send his son to die for me. i am completely floored that he chooses to love me. For some unknown reason, to me, God has given me a heart that cares. a heart that cannot give up on anyone. i feel what people feel. i don't feel sympathy for anyone. i truly feel their pain, their anger, emptiness, lonliness, and even happiness and joy. I have recently had my little girl, Jolyn Nicole Mason, she was born on sept. 7 at 5lbs 3oz. she came into this world via emergency c-section and had to spend 5 days in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit). she's doin great now, and is home with her mommy and daddy...everytime i look into her eyes i see a relfection of her creator lookin back at me. i now understand how diffucult it was for God the father to give his son to us knowing we would kill him with our sins...
